Posts tagged ‘caregiving’

How to Detach with Love

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. My thoughts wandered to the last three years of my mother’s life. I found myself basking in the tender feelings that welled up in me as I remembered my regular visits to her nursing home. Those three years were a gift to me and our relationship. Medication had softened her volatile personality and caustic tongue.

Unfortunately, that was not always the case. Like many caregivers, caring for a parent that has abused them physically or psychologically over their lifetime, is very difficult. Aging and the problems that come with it often make the abuse more intense. However, you are often conflicted between love for your parent and your desire to not experience the harsh criticism and abuse that has plagued your childhood.

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Male Caregivers: The Challenges of Silence

Most times, I make a point of reading or watching everything I can on care giving, in order to serve those adult children that seek my support in caring for their elderly parents. Unfortunately up until this past weekend, I missed watching a wonderful movie with Gordon Pinsent and Julie Christie called “Away From Her.”

This movie made in 2006, focused on the impact on the 50 year marriage of Grant and Fiona when Alzheimer’s caused Fiona’s move into a Long Term Care Facility. The film depicted the sense of loss, loneliness and life in limbo experienced by Grant. This brought back memories of the many hours of poignant conversations that I had with families during my many years of management in Long Term Care.

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Conflict: Creative vs. Imposed Solutions

Emotions are a given when involved in eldercare. Anger is often at the forefront of these emotions. However, anger is energy in motion. It brings you information about yourself if you are willing to acknowledge the emotion. When you resist and refuse to experience your honest feeling, the entrapment drains your energy and brings continuing discomfort. Elder Mediation allows all those involved to stop and pay attention to the raw emotions.

My guest writer, Malcolm Bennett, Elder Mediator will share further insight into the process.

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Forgiveness: Finding Peace in Chaos

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We become caregivers to our elderly parents, either by default or by choice. However, the longer you spend as a caregiver, the more likely you are to experience emotions and thoughts that you are reluctant to admit, even to yourself. Your thoughts often turn to phrases like, “what if” or “if only.” You feel lonely resentful, yet guilty.

Providing care for your elderly parents is rife with emotions. It often thrusts families into situations that test the strength and boundaries of their relationships. We recognize that not all family relationships are healthy, loving ones. However, a care-giving situation may be an opportunity to find grace and forgiveness.

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When Families Start Talking

A friend recently alerted me to a two-part series featured on the CBC radio program “Ideas” with Paul Kennedy. The title of the series was “When Families Start Talking.” The commentator, Genevieve Chernecki, an Estate Mediator, discussed the changing dynamics within families when faced with discussions on eldercare, money and inheritance. Even with her expertise as a mediator, she experienced difficulties when faced with such issues within her own family.

Somehow families shy away from conversations involving wills, finances and end-of-life issues. They often feel by discussing such things as wills and healthcare directives that they are betraying their parents’ lives, yet the impact of not discussing these topics is far-reaching, often causing a division in the family.

Unfortunately, someone within the family has to start the conversation, especially when parents are beginning to show signs of changes in their ability to manage their day to day life. This was the case with the commentator. She had noticed her mother was not eating, her personal hygiene was failing, and bruises were appearing as the result of falls.

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How To Avoid the “Lone-Soldier” Syndrome

The biggest issue for caregivers is the time and energy needed for care giving that must be taken away from other things, especially family. You can slip into the “lone-soldier” mode of thinking without even realizing it.

When you are so entrenched in the day to day care, you have little or no time to plan and anticipate what is ahead. Unfortunately, you are spending all your time “putting out fires” and little time developing a contingency plan. This can be exhausting and fuels the feeling of being controlled by an unpredictable force over which you have little control.

You may be caught in the old idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness. You feel responsible for your elderly parents and assume the full burden, without regard for your own emotional and physical well-being.

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7 Ways to Deal with a Care Crisis

In the daily care for your parents, you must deal with many unexpected situations. However, not all of those situations are a crisis. Many times when your parents are experiencing the fear and frustration of losing their independence and becoming more dependent, they tend to take even the smallest setbacks and lump them all together into a major catastrophe. They want immediate action and you find yourself turning inside out to respond, often leaving you frustrated and resentful.

There is a delicate balance between knowing when to respond with understanding and when to approach the situation in a lighter, more humorous way. Always try to take a broader approach and stay in the present moment rather than reacting. Give yourself time to clarify what they are asking of you, and how you really feel about the task. If you do not want to do something, say “no” or offer to do something else. You may even offer to do the job but at another time.

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The 5 Disciplines of Effective Listening

Effective listening requires you to move toward empathetic listening. Truly effective listening requires courage — the willingness to let go of the old habits and preconceptions. In the past, I have stressed the importance of planning as a means of reducing the stress and frustration that exists when caring for your aging parents. To plan effectively you have to question, observe and listen.

At first, truly effective listening may feel time-consuming and inefficient. Over the years, we have lost our ability to listen. It is much faster to move to a decision based on the information you already have. How do you encourage your parents to be receptive to your suggestion or share their concerns with you, if they feel you have already made up your mind? Read the rest of this entry »

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Long Journey: Emotional Baggage Restrictions Apply

A common theory or mantra today is the power of positive thinking or mindset matters. Unfortunately, this thinking gives you the false impression that “luck” or good fortune does not depend on the choices you make. However, you really only have two choices in life. You can turn obstacles into opportunities or moan about them as bad luck.

Life is always in a state of flux. Trying to hold on to the illusion that your present life situation will never change, leaves you vulnerable. Life becomes joyful when you can be open to the flow and let go of the need to control. I am not saying that you adapt the attitude of wild abandon, but instead undertake an honest assessment of the challenges that await you.

One of the major challenges when caring for an elderly parent is the associated emotions. Without acknowledging the presence of old emotional baggage, your emotional well-being will be set on quicksand.

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Treat Your Caregiving Journey Like A Really Great Road Trip

“Each moment of your life is the sum total of all the prior moments. There’s not a single thing that happens to you that doesn’t leave its mark; doesn’t redirect your course somehow; doesn’t make you more fully who you are.”

- Excerpt from Bones of Betrayal, by Jefferson Bass, Author

When it comes to road trips, I think one of my most memorable, yet challenging was our trip across Vancouver Island in British Columbia to the coastal town of Tofino, situated on the Island’s western shores. We had planned for this journey by booking our ferry passage from the mainland and reserved a Bed and Breakfast in Tofino. We were prepared, or so we thought.

From our first glimpse of the foothills of the Rocky Mountains in Alberta to the vast range of mountains in British Columbia, the panoramic beauty on every turn of this mountainous highway was awe-inspiring. As the road stretched before us, we thought it would never end. We were spellbound.

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