How to Detach with Love

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. My thoughts wandered to the last three years of my mother’s life. I found myself basking in the tender feelings that welled up in me as I remembered my regular visits to her nursing home. Those three years were a gift to me and our relationship. Medication had softened her volatile personality and caustic tongue.

Unfortunately, that was not always the case. Like many caregivers, caring for a parent that has abused them physically or psychologically over their lifetime, is very difficult. Aging and the problems that come with it often make the abuse more intense. However, you are often conflicted between love for your parent and your desire to not experience the harsh criticism and abuse that has plagued your childhood.

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Change: A Process to be Feared or Understood

In a recent issue, I referred to my upcoming attendance of the 27th Annual Geriatric Medicine Refresher Day. This well-attended, informative conference was held in London, Ontario on May 1, 2013. It was such a privilege to attend the workshops presented by some of the foremost experts in the field of eldercare.

One 3-hour session entitled, Applied Motivational Interviews for Client-Centered Practice in Geriatric Care, presented by Jennifer Irwin, Ph.D and Don Morrow, Ph.D, focused on helping patients to clarify and resolve ambivalence toward changing their behaviour.

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How to Turn a Negative Response into Acceptance

A common dilemma that often confronts my clients is their elderly parents’ reluctance to accept any help from family or other agencies. There are so many hidden emotions involved in this protest, that it is best not to expect your parents to accept any of your logical arguments.

Recently, I worked with a family that was confronted by this issue. The adult children were worried, anxious and frustrated by their father’s reluctance to ask for any help with the care of their mother. As her dementia progressed, they could see the demands of her care taking a toll on their father’s health. Yet in spite of their comments, he insisted that he was managing.

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Male Caregivers: The Challenges of Silence

Most times, I make a point of reading or watching everything I can on care giving, in order to serve those adult children that seek my support in caring for their elderly parents. Unfortunately up until this past weekend, I missed watching a wonderful movie with Gordon Pinsent and Julie Christie called “Away From Her.”

This movie made in 2006, focused on the impact on the 50 year marriage of Grant and Fiona when Alzheimer’s caused Fiona’s move into a Long Term Care Facility. The film depicted the sense of loss, loneliness and life in limbo experienced by Grant. This brought back memories of the many hours of poignant conversations that I had with families during my many years of management in Long Term Care.

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Conflict: Creative vs. Imposed Solutions

Emotions are a given when involved in eldercare. Anger is often at the forefront of these emotions. However, anger is energy in motion. It brings you information about yourself if you are willing to acknowledge the emotion. When you resist and refuse to experience your honest feeling, the entrapment drains your energy and brings continuing discomfort. Elder Mediation allows all those involved to stop and pay attention to the raw emotions.

My guest writer, Malcolm Bennett, Elder Mediator will share further insight into the process.

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How to Deal with Conflict without Destroying the Family

Providing care for an elderly parent can be a stressful and an emotionally volatile time. Conflict within the family is almost a fact of life. There can be minor disagreements between the family members and at times those minor differences can escalate into a breakdown in the fabric of the family.

If conflict is handled badly, it can lead to mistrust, dissatisfaction and the destruction of the family relationship. However, if handled skillfully and creatively, conflict can be a healthy process; leading to change that is beneficial for everyone.

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A Lesson on the Importance of Forgiveness

A recent article in AgingCare.com written by Anne-Marie Botek highlighted the death of Patty Andrews, 94, one of the famous Andrew Sisters. You may be saying, who are the Andrew Sisters? If you are lover of Big Band music or a follower of Dancing With the Stars, you have probably heard their music. One song that has been featured on that show is their well-known song, “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.”

Although their music had a significant impact during the WW II era, it was their relationship that was the theme of the article. The author spoke of an interview that Patty Andrews had with Merv Griffin in 1985, she stated, “The Andrews Sisters only had one big fight. Really, it started in 1937 and it’s still going!”

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7 Ways to Avoid a Family Flare-up

Families come ready made with their style of communication and ways of resolving conflict. Unfortunately, many families unknowingly have developed patterns that inhibit a healthy flow of communication. Their accepted patterns of communicating with each other often serve as barriers to communication, resulting in the harboring of unresolved emotions.

As the primary caregiver, you are often the recipient or target for these non-productive styles of communication. How often do other members of your family criticize the way you are approaching your care responsibilities, only to make you feel resentful, unappreciated and unworthy.

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How to Avoid Confusing Dementia with Manipulation

Those of you who are movie buffs were probably glued to the television during the 2013 Golden Globe Awards. One of the most memorable acceptance speeches was that of actor Jodi Foster as she received the Cecile B. Demille Award for lifetime achievement. Her speech was directed toward her mother who suffered from dementia.

In her moving speech, she stated, “Mom, I know you’re inside those blue eyes somewhere and that there are so many things you won’t understand tonight. But this is the only important one to take in: I love you, I love you, I love you.”

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7 Ways to Approach a Difficult Conversation

A friend of mine recently went through the unexpected death of his mother. His father, desperately trying to cope with the loss of his wife, was resistive to every suggestion he made. My friend despondently admitted that he found it difficult to question or go against his father’s wishes. Most of their conversations were quickly reduced to arguments.

The angst experienced when having to have an emotionally charged and difficult conversation with your parents can feel very unsettling. Fear is the underlying emotion for both the adult child and the aging parent. Your parent may fear potentially losing his place of authority within the family or his social standing. He is also fearful of becoming a burden or being rendered useless.

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